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i am not alone

Psalm 63:1

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

Isaiah 40:29

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Isaiah 40:31

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Jeremiah 31:25

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

 

I'm feeling very alone and weary today... Just one of those day I guess.  I found it a great comfort to open my Bible and find a plethora of verses about comfort for the weary.  Even after reading though I still couldn't help but feel like I was alone in the world... Like I was shut out and left on my own.  I decided to revisit an old favorite of mine: I am not but I know I AM  by Louie Giglio.  I searched the pages for my favorite passage and was immediately comforted by the overwhelming sufficiency of Abba Daddy:

 

            "When you're questioning, needing, searching, wondering, asking, and struggling, you will find His sufficiency at the end of every desperate prayer.  When you cry out all the thing you are not, you'll know His answer is, 'I AM.' 

            For every cry, there is one answer:

I need help.

I AM.

 

I need hope.

I AM.

 

Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out?

I AM.

 

What works?

I AM.

 

What lasts?

I AM.

 

What's the latest thing?

I AM.

 

What's the hippest thing?

I AM.

 

I need a fresh start.

I AM.

 

I need a bigger story.

I AM.

 

My vision is bigger than my resources.

I AM.

 

Nothing's real anymore.

I AM.

 

Who can I trust?

I AM.

 

I'm not sure who's on my team.

I AM.

 

Nobody's listening to me.

I AM.

 

I don't have a prayer.

I AM.

 

My marriage is sinking and I don't know where to turn.

I AM.

 

I can't hold on.

I AM.

 

My kids deserve more.

I AM.

 

I'm pouring into others, who's pouring into me?

I AM.

 

If [I] fail, who will get the job done?

I AM.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here.

I AM.

 

I've given all I can give and it's not enough.

I AM.

 

I'm tired.

I AM.

 

I quit!

I AM.

 

I can't!

I AM.

 

I need a drink.

I AM.

 

I need a fix.

I AM.

 

I need a lover.

I AM.

 

Somebody just hold me.

I AM.

 

            And what does this great I AM say of Himself? He says to you and to me: 'I am the way, I am the truth, and I am the life.  I am the resurrection and the life.  I am Savior. I am Jesus-- the solution, the restorer, the builder, the answer, the Wise One, the Coming One, the Mighty One.  I am the Lord and there is no other.  I am God and there is none besides Me.  I am the First and the Last.  I am Alpha and Omega.  I am the Beginning and the End.  I am the Lord, that is My name, and I will not give My glory to another, or any of My praise to idols.  I AM THAT I AM, and that is My name-- My memorial name to every single generation.'"

 

 I am not alone. 

A call to love

I read a quote today in my quiet reading time and it has infected my soul.  

"We treat others as we perceive God is treating us." Max Lucado

How do I treat others?  And is that really how I think God treats me?  I found that I am not wholly pleased with the way I treat others.  I realize that I pass a lot more judgement than I am entitled to pass.  And I hold grudges.  And I am nitpicky about things that don't really matter.  And I gossip about the people I love.  And I get angry with the people I love.  What the heck.  I just want to love.  Love like a crazy person.  I want to love because that's the only thing I can do.  And that is how God treats me -- He loves me uncontrollably.  

This quote totally convicted me.  I've been called to abandon judgement and love unconditionally -- especially those who are hardest for me to love.  You know the paradoxical commandment: Love your enemies.  It's not going to be easy, but I'm done treating others any less than how God treats me.  And you know, I will never be able to love as much as God loves because my heart just isn't big enough to contain that kind of love.  But I'm gonna try.  

It was never all about me, but it was always all for me.

Over the past couple months I've been struggling with my dead spirit. I've been stuck in sin, stuck in a lie, stuck in a pit, stuck in the world. No matter my burning desires, no matter how badly I longed for Jesus, I have been transfixed in the midst of my sins. I didn't feel like I was ready to run at Jesus the way I desired. I didn't feel worthy.

I tried to talk to PM about it... I tried to think about... Nothing gave me the answer I needed. And I sure as heck thought I couldn't go to Jesus about it.

And then yesterday God threw the answer into action out of nowhere and I am utterly overwhelmed!

Amber came to visit yesterday before the ASP meeting (which I am totally stoked about ASP WOOT WOOT!) and after talking to her for an hour, I was totally convicted! I went nuts! I couldn't stop thinking about Jesus. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I just wanted Jesus. I was so frustrated that Amber is not inhibited by anything in her crazy thirst for Jesus -- she just keeps running as fast as she can toward Him. Her thirsty faith challenges and inspires me and so today after a good night sleep I decided that I was going to wake my spirit from the dead and bring it back to life. I'm done sitting around and watching those around me fall head over heels while I fantacize about running. Well I started by reading When God Whispers Your Name by Max Lucado. Let me just say I have never read anything by him before, but I love him. I love his style. He devoted an entire chapter to brevity and in that chapter included a list of some short sayings of his own...

"Pursue forgiveness, not innocence."

I have always been caught up in being perfect. And believe me, lately I've been a lot more laid back and accepting of the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be. In fact, I don't really want to be. But the one thing I haven't been able to let go of is that sin is an imperfection that separates me from Jesus. I hate myself for living in sin. And that sin, that imperfection has held me back from running full-force to the cross (even though that's the one place I should be running with such a heavy load.) Lucado's quote threw me for a loop. What if I pursued the forgiveness that Jesus offers me rather than try to pursue utter innocence -- perfection? Wouldn't that free me from the hole that I am stuck in? Pursuing forgiveness is pursuing Jesus. That quote was the answer to all my problems, but I wasn't satisfied yet. So I went to the Bible next. Yesterday I started Solo, a daily devotional by Eugene Peterson. And yesterday's passage was focused on Genesis 3: 1-10. Aka. the fall of man. The story of the serpent and eve and the apple. I decided to revisit the passage and it totally opened up in front of my face. It was like God was drawing it all out for me! Who would think that my faith could be revolutionized by the story that I learned in 1st grade. I would like to share what I learned. Please read the passage carefully:

Genesis 3
1 The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"
2-3 The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"
4-5 The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."
6 When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.
7 Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
8 When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
9 God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
10 He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."

Ok and now for the verse by verse breakdown.

In verses 2-3 we see Eve tell the snake exactly what God has said. "We can eat from the trees in the garden." Ok so God places Adam and Eve in this beautiful huge garden and offers them all that is there. He even has them name the animals! The only thing God asks of them is that they don't eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. That sounds pretty stinkin delicious to me. An all you can eat buffet in the garden of eden (literally translated, the heart of God) you would think would be more than enough. But no, Satan tricks Eve into thinkin that she's missing out on something wonderful by not eating from the tree in the middle of the garden.

So then in verses 4-5 the snake basically tells Eve that if she ate from the tree she would know everything, even Evil. Its like "Yeah man, if you smoked the stuff on this tree your eyes would totally be opened to all the crap around you! You could totally stop living in this wonderful garden and be overhwelmed by the shit that happens in the world! You should totally try it!" sounds appealing right? appealing enough that eve gives in.

You want to say "what an idiot!" right? And then you realize... oh. That's me. God has already given us more than we deserve. And he knew what was best for Eve when he told her not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. He knows what is best for us to when he set commandments for us to live by. And yet, we get so caught up in what the world (the snake) has to say about the things we should stay out of. God tells us sex is for marraige because he knows that is what is best for us, and yet we get caught up in what the world says -- "You don't need to wait till you're married. Sex is fun. If you're protected and you don't get pregnant where's the harm? Don't you want to be intimate? Don't you love me enough?" So we have sex and we find ourselves in emotional turmoil. We find ourselves broken-hearted. God tells us we shouldn't lie because he knows that is best for us, and yet we get caught up in what the world says -- "A little lie can never hurt." And so we lie and that lie leads to another and a week later we find ourselves stuck in lies that we can't even remember. God tells Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit because he knows that living in bliss is better than living with the awareness of evil, and yet they listened to what the snake had to say-- "You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil." They turned down God's protection for a little taste bud high.

Later in verse 7, after they've eaten the fruit, they realize that they are naked. I'm not satisfied with leaving that at physical nudity. I have to believe that being ashamed of being naked is in some way shape or form being ashamed of who they are in their most vulnerable state. They immediately cover themselves. I totally see myself here. When I get down to who I am at my core... who I am without false masks covering my true heart, I see someone that I am not necessarily proud of. I see someone full of imperfections and sin. I see someone broken and desperate. I don't like to see that.. I cover that with layers just like Eve covers herself with fig leaves.

(we're getting there I promise)

In verse 8 Adam and Eve hear God pleasantly strolling through the garden and afraid, they hide from God. Instead of running to stroll alongside God, they are caught up in their own grossness and hide. THIS IS ME! I am so caught up in my own gross layers that I can't even walk alongside God anymore. Why can't I just let myself be naked? Why can't I allow Christ to heal the broken and imperfect heart that is my core?

This is where the epiphany happens. In the devotional portion of Solo, Peterson poses the idea that "Genesis 3 speaks of the rebellion of humankind. And the remainder of the Message details God's intricate and loving plan to redeem, restore, and reconcile creation back to himself after what happens in Genesis 3." HOLY CRAP! THE ENTIRE FREAKIN BIBLE IS ABOUT GOD'S PLAN TO REUNITE HIMSELF WITH ME! There is one measly chapter that focuses on my sin. THAT'S IT!

In the eternal now, I am Eve eating the fruit. And at the same time Jesus is dying on the cross, and singing my name on the Throne. and I am eternally praising Him. I am wondering in the desert and standing at the foot of the cross.

Pursue forgiveness, not innocence. My life is not about the sin I am "stuck" in, but about the amazing grace that Christ has given. The story is not about innocence, but redemtion. It is not about perfection, but brokenness. I'm forgiven. IT IS FINISHED.

I don't know why it took me till now to understand that God's grace is sufficient. I don't know why it took me till now to understand that in Christ I am made new again and that all I need to do is pursue Christ. I don't mean to over simplify the concept but... You sin. So what. Forgive yourself and move on. Christ already has. I am not stuck anymore.

My chains are gone.
Look out. I running and I'm not letting anything get in my way.

Mediocre Faith

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
Albert Einstein

This year I decided to do a study PM. Three days a week, I leave the school at 11 o’clock and go to the church to study the Bible in a life applicable fashion for two hours before I return to school. I have come to a much deeper place in my faith as a result of our time together. I have much greater range of knowledge of God’s Word. I have developed understanding of what it means to be a Christian and know exactly the life I want to pursue. I want to have crazy faith that moves mountains and intimate love that longs for the face of Jesus. I want to be covered in the dust of my Rabbi, and I want to bathe in his blood of salvation. I want a faith that moves me to get out of the boat and walk on the water toward Jesus. I want a faith that causes me to ignore the storm because I just can’t keep my eyes off of Jesus. My great desires have always encountered violent opposition from my mediocre faith. My greatest frustration in life.
Paul was an amazing man of God. Beginning as a Roman citizen who persecuted Christians, Paul was transformed on the road to Damascus by an encounter with Jesus. He took the great commission and ran with it—infected by the love of Jesus, Paul went and made disciples of the nations. He loved like Jesus loved, bearing whips and scorns for Christ’s sake. Paul was perhaps one of the most persecuted men in the history of the world. Check it out: In his second letter to Corinth, Paul boasts about his sufferings:

The wording from The New International Version follows: “(I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open see, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own country men, in danger from the Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?” (2 Cor. 11: 23-29)

This passage drives me crazy! My mind goes wild with all the suffering and pain that Paul went through for Christ. But even more amazing to me is Paul’s lifestyle! Paul, despite all of the suffering he went through, never gave up on pursuing Christ. He never threw in the towel because he was in pain, or because he was afraid, or because he doubted. No. He pushed through it all. AND! He lived daily with a grace and peace that I desperately long to understand. I truly believe that Paul’s body walked the either, but his heart, his attention, his mind, his spirit was in Heaven with Jesus. When he bore the “forty lashes minus one,” I have to believe that he was staring straight into the peaceful and comforting eyes of Jesus. I have to believe that while Paul sat in jail, writing letters to the churches, that as he penned the introductions, all wishing “grace and peace” to the churches that he was breathing in the air of Life.
I desperately long for this kind of lifestyle. I want to be so consumed by Jesus Christ that I am of no earthly good. I want to be so focused on the Goal that I don’t get caught up in the storms the Devil throws to keep me away. I want to throw away my mediocre faith for the faith of Paul. I’m tired of suppressing my intense desire for Jesus in order to get by comfortably in this world. I want to be a fool. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I want to be utterly out of my mind like Paul. I want to do something radical. Start a revolution. This crazy desire has been building up for so long and I can’t fight it down any more. I’m letting lose!

I want Jesus. Period.

Today PM and I studied 1 Samuel Chapter 3.

I want to know Jesus. I don't want to minister before Him. Or know the facts about Him. Or go through the motions for Him. I don't just want to proclaim Him as my Lord and Savior. No. I want to live for him. I want every action to be a perfect reflection of Him. I want to be so in tune with Jesus that I can feel his breathing. That my heart beat becomes one with His. I want to be filled with His infectious love. I want to know my Savior. I want to know his likes and dislikes. I want Him to be the best friend I tell everything. I want Him to be my primary focus. I want Jesus to be my everything. He is more than enough. I want to know him that way. I want to know Him wholly. I want to know Him inside and out. I want to know Him the same way He knows me. I want to be crucified with Christ. I want Jesus. Period.

But the fact of the matter is this: I'll never wholly know Him. I can't. I will spend the rest of eternity getting to know Him. And to me, this is a beautiful thing. This is a lifetime of everyday understanding a little more of my Savior. This is a lifetime of everyday feeling his touch a little stronger, it becoming a little more familiar. This is a lifetime of everyday taking one more breathe in sync with Him. This is a lifetime of everyday having one more thought in tune with my Maker. This is a lifetime of dying a little more to myself and taking up a little more of His life.

I just want Jesus. Period.

Take This Life

As I'm standing here, staring into the mirror
See the figure of a man trying to take a stand
And live for something more
Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed
To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that's weighing me down
Won't You come and fill
I want You to come and make me more real

Take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
Won't You take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole

In my pursuit of what is real
My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive
I trudge and I step through the height and the death
Of a long narrow as I'm growing old
And soon I will be home

I'm having one of those sleepless nights. And i was listening to some Shawn McDonald when this song came on. I've heard it at least 50 times, and tonight for some reason it is just blowing my mind. I feel as though these are the longings of my soul. I'm crying out to be changed. I just want to be used, to be cleansed, to be real, to be filled, to be changed, to be tranformed, to be loved, to feel, to grow, to go home. This place is no my home.

Just take this life. All of it. The drama, the stress, the tears, the joys, the laziness, the apathy, the unawareness, the pain, the beauty, the lies, the hate, the passion. Take this life. Change me, morph me, use me. I'm crying out to be touched. Touch in me a heart of passion, a heart of worship. Change this life, I'm laying it here. I've strayed. I'm a prodigal daughter. I'm a child of Eden. But you have never left me. For You are with me always until the end of the age. And the good work that you have started in me you are faithful to carry out to completion. You are faithful. I aspire to have Your great faith, and with every moment of worship, with every Word that I read I fall in love. In love with the King, in the love with the Friend, in love with the Servant. In love with Abba Daddy. Come and make me whole.