So for the past couple weeks, I have just been really struggling in my faith. My relationship with God is there, but I just feel frustrated because I don't feel like it's going anywhere. I just feel...stuck. I feel like I have been hiking up this mountain with God, and all the sudden my boot gets caught and I can't free myself. And God's standing there right beside me calling out what I should do in order to free myself and continue further in my walk with him, but I just can't make out what He's saying. And it's killing me that I can't figure out what he wants! And I mean, it's not all of me that's stuck! It's just my boot! To come out of my little analogy, I was walking strong with God, and then all the sudden, I stopped growing. I can still hear his voice calling me to him, but I can't feel his hand leading me where to go. The reason I think I am so frustrated is because I do believe and I do love God with all my heart. All I want to do in life is his will and please him! I've given so much of myself to God, yet I don't feel like He's using me! And that is why I'm frustrated. I know the reason I feel like I do is because one part of me is stuck. I just really couldn't figure out what it was.
God really spoke to me tonight at youth group. "Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." [James 2:17 NIV]
My faith is dead! That is why I am stuck! I have all this faith, a whole heart given to God and an ever pressing desire to please him and do his will, but I am not acting! I need to go where God wants me to go. Do what he wants me to do! Stop what he wants me to stop! Etc.! "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without action is dead." [James 2:26 NIV] Most people know me as this bubbly girl who's always laughing and having a good time. If you took my spirit away, I would just be this lifeless lump. That's what happened to my faith. It grew a lot and then action ceased. My faith became a lifeless lump! It's still there, just lifeless, no longer growing and radiant.
So now I've got my faith problem figured out, but I have another problem. I know what part of me is stuck-my boot. I know that I need to get my boot free in order to continue my hike up that mountain with God. The only problem is, I don't know how to get it free. I mean I know I need to pull it out, but I don't know how and I can't hear what God is telling me to do! Out of the analogy : I know that I need to start acting in my faith, but I can't feel God's hand leading me in how to do so. I don't know what He's calling me to do! I'm just really frustrated with this silence. I talked to my youth pastor tonight about this and he said look in the midst of your frustration and you'll find that is where you will find God. So my frustration is this silence. Maybe if I just listen...completely silence myself, just listen, God will speak to me. Because God speaks in the silence. He usually doesn't speak through big neon signs or earthquakes, but rather through silence. I've been looking for a big waving hand gesture, a motion, an earthquake...
All is quiet, I'm listening....
