The Stars are so Clear Tonight

It is so easy to let things become clouded over in life. It is so easy for things to become blurry and mixed together. It is so easy to let the small things become big and to let the big things become small. Why can't we just keep things straight?

Sometimes it's as though things just disappear out of our life: friendships, reasons, purpose. Sometimes things happen out of no where: drama, issues, crisis, death. (deep breath)

On Thursday, July 20 a friend of mine from church committed suicide. This particular friend is not someone whom I paid much attention to, nor was he someone whom I loved as much as I should have. Upon hearing that he hung himself all I could think was "Why didn't I show him more love?" I know the answer and it pains more than anything to admit this, but the reason is because he wasn't easy to love. He wasn't the most normal of people. He was very shy and quiet and I guess the vibe I usually got from him was shady. Granted he did some really strange things, I have come to realize how much I truly appreciated his unique self. He wore a black T-shirt and jeans with black tennis shoes all the time. Sometimes he wore this crazy top hat so that you couldn't really see his eyes. He flipped off the walls a lot and was always trying to rewire something. The tone in his voice was very nonchalant, a "Why do you care?" type tone. But no matter how strange, he always smiled at me when I saw him. At youth group, he always sat in the back. It was comforting having him there considering now I look back expecting to see him there, and he's not. He never will be. Never again will I look back and smile to see him smiling back. You don't ever realize how much you appreciate something until you lose it. In this case, I didn't know I had appreciation for him until he was gone. And now, I have appreciation beyond my wildest dreams for this friend.

Koty has changed my life. My life was clouded and I had everything mixed together. My purpose as a Christian was clouded over. My priorities were all in a jumble. Koty's death was a huge wake-up call for me. On Sunday, I was crushed at seeing his mom, older brother (one of my really close friends), and his younger sister cry out their pain. I sat as part of a group of 50 students and mourned. It made me realize that there are so many more important things in life than my stupid everyday ordeals and petty drama that seem so big to me. It reminded that there is a huge scene going on around me and I am not the center. Koty's death not only woke me up, but reminded me of why I am a Christian -- because of God's unconditional, love, grace, and forgiveness. God's gift to us was his one and only son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for you, me, your aunt and the homeless guy in Kentucky. His blood covers all of our sins and all we have to do is accept his grace. Koty accepted that grace and proclaimed his heart was with Jesus on multiple occasions. Koty accepted his free ticket and the only ticket and is now resting in his Abba Daddy's big, strong arms. And because of the question that pierced my heart so fiercely and convicted my soul to the point of tears, "Why didn't I show him more love?", I remember my purpose -- To love the unloved as Jesus did, To reach out to those who need it most, not to those it is easiest and most pleasant for us to deal with. We were created in God's likeness and are to follow Christ's example. I choose to love unconditionally, forgive unconditionally, and extend grace to all for that is what Christ did for me.

Tonight I went outside and it was beautiful. I looked up into the sky to find the clearest array of stars I have ever seen in my life. An overwhelming peace came over me and I was at last comforted. I know that Koty is up in heaven. His heart was with Jesus when he was here and now it is with Jesus up there. And tonight, as I gazed up at the stars I smiled one last time at Koty, and he smiled back. Thank you...