Through Hurt

"She's either really naive or she's just good at playing everyone." You know, it hurts a lot to know that one of my close friends said that about me. And as hurt as I am, I don't know if I can completely deny the statement. I am naive -- naive enough to believe that my closest friends would never turn behind my back and judge me. "Good at playing everyone" no. "Good at playing myself," is perhaps a better way to put it. I've been so concerned about what everyone else has wanted over the past couple months that I have completely lied to myself. I've given up what I want for what others want. I've tried to make making others happy my happiness and it's not working. I'm not happy. I'm really ashamed that I've been letting the desires and wants of others shape my feelings, thoughts, and actions. And in playing myself...in lying to myself, I've lied to others. I didn't lie intentionally, but now that I've come to the realization that I've been lying to myself, the truth that I have told those around me has become a lie. It took the questioning of a single friend who was the only one friend enough to trust what I had to say and believe me with everything he had to make me realize that perhaps the only person I have been dishonest with is myself. Knowing that the people I trust discuss me and my issues behind my back hurts. And I feel betrayed. Everything has spiraled to a head and I sit here utterly broken and humiliated. I'm crying out for answers. What have I done wrong to cause all of this? Why has it come to this? How do I solve this? Am I wrong? And as I sit here absolutely broken, there is one clear voice. You haven't done a thing my baby girl. The weight of this world is crashing down on you, but it is not your weight to carry. I will take care of it. Do not worry, do not cry for I am pleased with you. Lean on me for you have done nothing wrong. Find Me in all of this because I am here. I love you and we're going to make it through this. And for the first time in a while, I've found my Daddy's embrace and am able to rest there.

It takes brokenness to be healed. I was reading God as He Longs for you to See Him by Chip Ingram today. And the words he spoke hit home:

"It all came to a head. I sat alone...with an overwhelming sense that everything was depending on me. I was exhausted and discouraged, and I honestly wondered if I could continue...Through tears I read the words and felt the voice of God speaking directly to me

'The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.' Zephaniah 3:17

It suddenly seemed as though God were right there in the room with me. I sensed his power, and it convinced me that he could bring complete resolution to the things that were pressing down on me -- regardless of how I performed in that situation. He reached right past my inadequate offering and my insecure efforts and embraced me. I could picture him rejoicing and singing over me like a mother who can't believe she gets to be the mother. Somehow, as that awareness of God's delight filled me, the work I was doing or the obstacles I was facing didn't seem all that important after all. As God lifted the weight off my shoulders, I shamelessly smiled as I realized I wasn't supposed to try to carry it in the first place."

I'm done lying to me. I will always put the wellbeing of others before myself, but I need to start doing what's right for me in the process. What's right for me comes from Him and the emotions and feelings that He gives me, not from my friends, not from my parents, not from this world or the jaded ideas of today's culture. I'm done ignoring those feelings and pushing them away. I'm going to follow my heart's every instinct. Because as long as I am in tune with my Father, I cannot go astray. If I'm walking with Him, nothing else matters. And it doesn't matter who walks with me, against me or just doesn't walk at all. I'm going to keep walking. That is the path I am choosing for myself, the path that will make me happy. An intimate relationship with the Lord of lords and King of kings, my Abba Daddy. And as long as I'm making him rejoice over me with singing and He delights in me, I could care less about what everyone else thinks.

Ingram continues, "Rooted deeply in any driven achiever is the sense that who you are is determined by what you do. As these verses washed over my heart and soul, God's spirit used the words to recalibrate my view of him -- to separate my performance from my identity... In that instant I realized in a fresh way that God is on my side...that he really delights in me. For the first time in along time I was able to separate my performance from what God thought of me. I was free to do what I could and to simply trust him for the rest."

I've done what I can... I can't fix this problem and it's not mine to fix. The lies I've told to those around me as a result of lying to myself are not going unspoken for. I apologize. And you can think what you want of me. But understand something first. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. And if everyone was given an identity based on their performance, we'd all have bad names. So before labeling me as a liar and untrustworthy, think about the person I really am. Think about the person you really are. Maybe you'll find we're not so different after all. Maybe you're crying out for answers too.

The Stars are so Clear Tonight

It is so easy to let things become clouded over in life. It is so easy for things to become blurry and mixed together. It is so easy to let the small things become big and to let the big things become small. Why can't we just keep things straight?

Sometimes it's as though things just disappear out of our life: friendships, reasons, purpose. Sometimes things happen out of no where: drama, issues, crisis, death. (deep breath)

On Thursday, July 20 a friend of mine from church committed suicide. This particular friend is not someone whom I paid much attention to, nor was he someone whom I loved as much as I should have. Upon hearing that he hung himself all I could think was "Why didn't I show him more love?" I know the answer and it pains more than anything to admit this, but the reason is because he wasn't easy to love. He wasn't the most normal of people. He was very shy and quiet and I guess the vibe I usually got from him was shady. Granted he did some really strange things, I have come to realize how much I truly appreciated his unique self. He wore a black T-shirt and jeans with black tennis shoes all the time. Sometimes he wore this crazy top hat so that you couldn't really see his eyes. He flipped off the walls a lot and was always trying to rewire something. The tone in his voice was very nonchalant, a "Why do you care?" type tone. But no matter how strange, he always smiled at me when I saw him. At youth group, he always sat in the back. It was comforting having him there considering now I look back expecting to see him there, and he's not. He never will be. Never again will I look back and smile to see him smiling back. You don't ever realize how much you appreciate something until you lose it. In this case, I didn't know I had appreciation for him until he was gone. And now, I have appreciation beyond my wildest dreams for this friend.

Koty has changed my life. My life was clouded and I had everything mixed together. My purpose as a Christian was clouded over. My priorities were all in a jumble. Koty's death was a huge wake-up call for me. On Sunday, I was crushed at seeing his mom, older brother (one of my really close friends), and his younger sister cry out their pain. I sat as part of a group of 50 students and mourned. It made me realize that there are so many more important things in life than my stupid everyday ordeals and petty drama that seem so big to me. It reminded that there is a huge scene going on around me and I am not the center. Koty's death not only woke me up, but reminded me of why I am a Christian -- because of God's unconditional, love, grace, and forgiveness. God's gift to us was his one and only son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for you, me, your aunt and the homeless guy in Kentucky. His blood covers all of our sins and all we have to do is accept his grace. Koty accepted that grace and proclaimed his heart was with Jesus on multiple occasions. Koty accepted his free ticket and the only ticket and is now resting in his Abba Daddy's big, strong arms. And because of the question that pierced my heart so fiercely and convicted my soul to the point of tears, "Why didn't I show him more love?", I remember my purpose -- To love the unloved as Jesus did, To reach out to those who need it most, not to those it is easiest and most pleasant for us to deal with. We were created in God's likeness and are to follow Christ's example. I choose to love unconditionally, forgive unconditionally, and extend grace to all for that is what Christ did for me.

Tonight I went outside and it was beautiful. I looked up into the sky to find the clearest array of stars I have ever seen in my life. An overwhelming peace came over me and I was at last comforted. I know that Koty is up in heaven. His heart was with Jesus when he was here and now it is with Jesus up there. And tonight, as I gazed up at the stars I smiled one last time at Koty, and he smiled back. Thank you...

So for the past couple weeks, I have just been really struggling in my faith. My relationship with God is there, but I just feel frustrated because I don't feel like it's going anywhere. I just feel...stuck. I feel like I have been hiking up this mountain with God, and all the sudden my boot gets caught and I can't free myself. And God's standing there right beside me calling out what I should do in order to free myself and continue further in my walk with him, but I just can't make out what He's saying. And it's killing me that I can't figure out what he wants! And I mean, it's not all of me that's stuck! It's just my boot! To come out of my little analogy, I was walking strong with God, and then all the sudden, I stopped growing. I can still hear his voice calling me to him, but I can't feel his hand leading me where to go. The reason I think I am so frustrated is because I do believe and I do love God with all my heart. All I want to do in life is his will and please him! I've given so much of myself to God, yet I don't feel like He's using me! And that is why I'm frustrated. I know the reason I feel like I do is because one part of me is stuck. I just really couldn't figure out what it was.

God really spoke to me tonight at youth group. "Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." [James 2:17 NIV]

My faith is dead! That is why I am stuck! I have all this faith, a whole heart given to God and an ever pressing desire to please him and do his will, but I am not acting! I need to go where God wants me to go. Do what he wants me to do! Stop what he wants me to stop! Etc.! "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without action is dead." [James 2:26 NIV] Most people know me as this bubbly girl who's always laughing and having a good time. If you took my spirit away, I would just be this lifeless lump. That's what happened to my faith. It grew a lot and then action ceased. My faith became a lifeless lump! It's still there, just lifeless, no longer growing and radiant.

So now I've got my faith problem figured out, but I have another problem. I know what part of me is stuck-my boot. I know that I need to get my boot free in order to continue my hike up that mountain with God. The only problem is, I don't know how to get it free. I mean I know I need to pull it out, but I don't know how and I can't hear what God is telling me to do! Out of the analogy : I know that I need to start acting in my faith, but I can't feel God's hand leading me in how to do so. I don't know what He's calling me to do! I'm just really frustrated with this silence. I talked to my youth pastor tonight about this and he said look in the midst of your frustration and you'll find that is where you will find God. So my frustration is this silence. Maybe if I just listen...completely silence myself, just listen, God will speak to me. Because God speaks in the silence. He usually doesn't speak through big neon signs or earthquakes, but rather through silence. I've been looking for a big waving hand gesture, a motion, an earthquake...

All is quiet, I'm listening....

"Catch a glimpse of my incredible love for you! I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is my completely unconditional love for you- a love that surpasses all human knowledge." [Ephesians 3:17-19]

God's love is so incredibly amazing. As humans we will never be able to grasp how great his love for us really is. I mean, He sent his one and only son to this earth to suffer and to die for all the crap that we do. He wanted to be close to us and to show his love to us so bad that he sent his son to come and die because we screw up. That is love, a love far greater than any love that a human could possibly comprehend or show. Yes, humans can love. I know this because I love. There are people in my life that I love with all of my being, people that I know I cannot live without. It is a kind of love that overwhelms me to the point of tears when I think about it. But God's love completely blows my love out of the water. That completely blows me away. It just blows my mind that God could love that much, especially after all the things that we as humans do. We can be so screwed up sometimes. But God's love is unconditional! Wow...what more can I say?