Through Hurt

"She's either really naive or she's just good at playing everyone." You know, it hurts a lot to know that one of my close friends said that about me. And as hurt as I am, I don't know if I can completely deny the statement. I am naive -- naive enough to believe that my closest friends would never turn behind my back and judge me. "Good at playing everyone" no. "Good at playing myself," is perhaps a better way to put it. I've been so concerned about what everyone else has wanted over the past couple months that I have completely lied to myself. I've given up what I want for what others want. I've tried to make making others happy my happiness and it's not working. I'm not happy. I'm really ashamed that I've been letting the desires and wants of others shape my feelings, thoughts, and actions. And in playing myself...in lying to myself, I've lied to others. I didn't lie intentionally, but now that I've come to the realization that I've been lying to myself, the truth that I have told those around me has become a lie. It took the questioning of a single friend who was the only one friend enough to trust what I had to say and believe me with everything he had to make me realize that perhaps the only person I have been dishonest with is myself. Knowing that the people I trust discuss me and my issues behind my back hurts. And I feel betrayed. Everything has spiraled to a head and I sit here utterly broken and humiliated. I'm crying out for answers. What have I done wrong to cause all of this? Why has it come to this? How do I solve this? Am I wrong? And as I sit here absolutely broken, there is one clear voice. You haven't done a thing my baby girl. The weight of this world is crashing down on you, but it is not your weight to carry. I will take care of it. Do not worry, do not cry for I am pleased with you. Lean on me for you have done nothing wrong. Find Me in all of this because I am here. I love you and we're going to make it through this. And for the first time in a while, I've found my Daddy's embrace and am able to rest there.

It takes brokenness to be healed. I was reading God as He Longs for you to See Him by Chip Ingram today. And the words he spoke hit home:

"It all came to a head. I sat alone...with an overwhelming sense that everything was depending on me. I was exhausted and discouraged, and I honestly wondered if I could continue...Through tears I read the words and felt the voice of God speaking directly to me

'The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.' Zephaniah 3:17

It suddenly seemed as though God were right there in the room with me. I sensed his power, and it convinced me that he could bring complete resolution to the things that were pressing down on me -- regardless of how I performed in that situation. He reached right past my inadequate offering and my insecure efforts and embraced me. I could picture him rejoicing and singing over me like a mother who can't believe she gets to be the mother. Somehow, as that awareness of God's delight filled me, the work I was doing or the obstacles I was facing didn't seem all that important after all. As God lifted the weight off my shoulders, I shamelessly smiled as I realized I wasn't supposed to try to carry it in the first place."

I'm done lying to me. I will always put the wellbeing of others before myself, but I need to start doing what's right for me in the process. What's right for me comes from Him and the emotions and feelings that He gives me, not from my friends, not from my parents, not from this world or the jaded ideas of today's culture. I'm done ignoring those feelings and pushing them away. I'm going to follow my heart's every instinct. Because as long as I am in tune with my Father, I cannot go astray. If I'm walking with Him, nothing else matters. And it doesn't matter who walks with me, against me or just doesn't walk at all. I'm going to keep walking. That is the path I am choosing for myself, the path that will make me happy. An intimate relationship with the Lord of lords and King of kings, my Abba Daddy. And as long as I'm making him rejoice over me with singing and He delights in me, I could care less about what everyone else thinks.

Ingram continues, "Rooted deeply in any driven achiever is the sense that who you are is determined by what you do. As these verses washed over my heart and soul, God's spirit used the words to recalibrate my view of him -- to separate my performance from my identity... In that instant I realized in a fresh way that God is on my side...that he really delights in me. For the first time in along time I was able to separate my performance from what God thought of me. I was free to do what I could and to simply trust him for the rest."

I've done what I can... I can't fix this problem and it's not mine to fix. The lies I've told to those around me as a result of lying to myself are not going unspoken for. I apologize. And you can think what you want of me. But understand something first. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. And if everyone was given an identity based on their performance, we'd all have bad names. So before labeling me as a liar and untrustworthy, think about the person I really am. Think about the person you really are. Maybe you'll find we're not so different after all. Maybe you're crying out for answers too.