I surrender all

This year has been quite the year. The fact it is the third of July and this is the first time I’ve sat down to write and reflect sums it up quite nicely. The simple, essential parts of my life have been pushed aside and forgotten because of the more “pressing” parts. You’d think a car accident at the start of the year would slow things down for me right away, make me step back, realize what is important and slow down and prioritize, appreciate, and live. I wish that had happened.

Instead, I had the busiest, most stressful, and utterly purposeless year of my life.

Sitting here right now, I would like to write that I consider everything in my life in terms of God, that He is the King, ruler, and controller of everything that goes on. And assuming that truth about myself, I would like to say that this past year was all about me being earnestly concerned with how far away from God I was wondering.

These two things that I would “like” to say are only half truths. Sure this past year I spent some time concerned with the distance I felt, but it was not earnest concern. Had it been earnest, I would have done something about it. I would have sought God out. I would have immersed myself in His Word. I would have plugged myself into the church, lived there. I would have picked up books, Noomas, whatever, and learned what other’s had encountered in God’s presence. I would have given God hours upon hours of my time in prayer, just enjoying his presence. I would have given Him my life for real, in its entirety, would have totally surrendered all control to Him. And as a result he would have become the King and ruler over all of my life.

Happy story, sincere faith. Right? Notice the conditional tense – “would.”

Yeah, none of that happened in my life. That’s the false part.

The half truth: This is EXACTLY what I want, EXACTLY what I need, and EXACTLY where I should be – in his loving stronghold.

So. Where does that put me right now? Looking back on a year of purposeless stress, uncontrolled business, and “spiritual” laziness. I hate the person I have become. I hate the way my life is right now.

Right now, I am fed up with who I am and am ready and desperate to become purposefully all about Him! Right now, I am desperately seeking the God of the universe, calling Him to come and rescue me from this dull life I lead.

Abba Father!

I am sick, disgusted, and tired of who I am. I am so ready, so desperately in need of you in every aspect of my life. I want to be so full of you! I want to feel free and invincible in You, full of your living breath that you breathe into my pathetic human lungs every single minute of every hour of every day! Come fill me with your spirit of life and love!

Cleanse me of all the earthly garbage that has built up in the dark corners of this house. Make it a holy sanctuary for you to dwell within! For it is not I who lives, but Christ who lives in me!

Yes Father! Yes! I give it all to you! Every part of me! Use me at your will and daily blow me away with your mercy and love! Make me like you! Help me not to conform to this world!

I surrender all Father! My sins – lust, sexual intimacy, anger, lies, deceit, hate, gossip, jealousy, unholy desires, gluttony, busyness! If there are any more, I give them to you! Make me aware and please Father, forgive me. I want to stop falling into this pit of dirt and remain holy as you are holy. I will go the distance in my personal life to avoid temptation and sin!

Father! I surrender my body. I am done being so concerned with appearance and weight. Father God, it is all vanity! I will work to keep this body healthy and in shape so that it may perform for you and only you!

Father God, I surrender this life, the thing that I hold onto most tightly. Take it and do with as you please! I have no say! I lay down control. I will only follow and obey. I’m tired of screwing up all the time. Perfect my life in your will!

Father God! I surrender my schedule to you! PLEASE! HELP ME TO SLOW DOWN! I’m so disgusted with business! It’s yours- my time! Do with it as you please!

I SURRENDER ALL! Take this life and make it your own. You are so holy, so BIG! The Ruler and Creator of ALL the universe which is ever expanding! You are the Ruler of the heavens and at the same time, the King and controller of my life! As particular of detail you pay to placing each galaxy in its place in the universe, you pay the same detail to planning my life. The same way you know each star’s name, you know the number of hairs on my head…the number of the cells that make up my body. At the same time that you hold the universe in the palm of your hand, you embrace me…my Abba…my Daddy. And I just realized I really love you, more than anything!

Lastly Father, I ask that my life would be a constant conversation with you, one never-ending act of worship. I give this life to you as an offering of thanks for your son, your love, mercy, grace, beauty, power, and just TOTAL awesomeness!

Thank you, Abba. It is in Jesus Christ’s holy name I pray…

The Garden of Eden

We're taught in church that sin separates us from God and that with sin, we cannot be with God. Sin turns us away from God for He can not look upon our sin.

When we were little, we were taught in Sunday school that Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden. The Garden of Eden was a beautiful and perfect place and in that garden, Adam and Eve had everything they could ever need. They were perfect humans and they lived in perfect harmony with God, daily encountering Him one on one.

Then, they sinned. They ate the forbidden fruit. Ashamed of what they had done, they hid from God. But try as they might, they could not hide. God sent them out of the garden and into a world of toil and trouble and pain and hurt - a world that was the equivalent of their sin.

So, sin turns us away from God and sent Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. A strong connection is being made between us and Adam and Eve. In a sense, we are Adam and Eve. They sinned, we sin. God turned Adam and Eve away, we turn away from God. So in a sense, until we sin, we are living in the Garden of Eden as well.

What am I getting at? "I never lived in a pretty garden. You're stupid. Shut up." Yes, I can hear you. I have another piece to add.

In the original Hebrew translation of the Bible, it was not the "Garden of Eden" that Adam and Eve lived in.

It was "the heart of God."

Pause. Think about it.

Replace the "Garden of Eden" with "the heart of God" in the story of Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve lived in the heart of God. The heart of God was a beautiful and perfect place and in God's heart, Adam and Eve had everything they could ever need. They were perfect humans and they lived in perfect harmony with God, daily encountering Him one on one.

Then, they sinned. They ate the forbidden fruit. Ashamed of what they had done, they hid from God. But try as they might, they could not hide. God sent them out of the His heart and into a world of toil and trouble and pain and hurt - a world that was the equivalent of their sin.

We too lived in the heart of God before we caved into lies and lusted for the life of this earth. We exchanged our perfect home in the heart of God for the temporary pleasures of this place we call "home." Sounds like a sad story, huh? We think the grass is greener on the other side, but once we get there it's not so good.

Too bad for Adam and Eve, they were never allowed back into the Garden of Eden, the heart of God.

Lucky for us, God sent his son, Jesus Christ to take away our sins.

Yeah yeah, we know right? Wrong. What does that really mean? Don't let it go in one ear and out the other.

Jesus takes away our sins. Meaning we become perfect in God's eyes. Meaning we are welcomed back into the heart of God, back into the Garden of Eden.

Asking for forgiveness of our sins is SO MUCH BIGGER than a clean slate!

It is SO MUCH BIGGER than bringing us closer to God!

It is bringing us into the very heart of God. It is bringing us to a beautiful and perfect place where we have everything we could ever need. It is allowing us to live in perfect harmony with God, encountering Him one on one.

Salvation, forgiveness, all that good stuff just took on a whole new meaning. A very intimate and personal meaning. Don't ignore it. The Garden awaits.

Don't Worry. Be Happy.

I had a fight with a friend.
I had a fight with my mom.
I have too much homework.
I'm stressed.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I'm moody.

Things happen that I don't understand.
Things get complicated for no reason.
Things hurt.
Things suck.

Life can suck at times. I find myself sitting and asking why? Why do things happen? Lately things have seemed to suck a lot more than they usually do and last night I was utterly overwhelmed. I wanted to sit and wallow in self pity. I wanted the world to know that I was having a sucky time. Instead of doing the one thing I should have, give over all my burdens to the only One who could truly take them off my shoulders, I decided to sit in a big puddle of crap and sulk and pout.

Abba Daddy wouldn't have that nonsense. Oh no. I imagine He was thinking something along the lines of "Baby girl, these are not your burdens to carry. Just give them up." And seeing I was too absorbed in wallowing in self pity, He used my friends to snap me out of it.

A good friend happens to IM me as I'm sitting and sulking. He actually was very unsympathetic to my pissy sulk mood and told me I was hardly happy anymore. I don't believe he meant to make me angry, but it pissed me off. I kinda exploded. I spilled everything that was on my heart. I sat at my computer crying out my problems onto the keyboard. With every key that I pounded I became more upset and more angry. I imagine from the outside it was a pathetic sight. After i had finished blubbering about my "crapstorm life" he decided to give me a slap of perspective. He told me to step outside and look in.

"So here's bree. She's dealing with a couple shaky friendships and she's overwhelmed because her schedule is filled and she has a lot to deal with over the next month." That's not so bad is it? It's not the end of the world. Time passes, you'll move past it and everything will be ok. Get up and dust yourself off. Keep going.

Being snapped into reality, I calmed down. I still held onto my self pity though. So what if I can handle it, I always get up and keep going. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. His response:

Life is only as bad as you make it out to be. You need to have a "mind like water"

You're probably wondering just as I was what exactly that is:
"In karate there is an image that’s used to define the position of perfect readiness: 'mind like water.' Imagine throwing a pebble into a still pond. How does the water respond? The answer is, totally appropriate to the force and mass of the input; then it returns to calm. It doesn’t overreact or underreact. Anything that causes you to overreact or underreact can control you, and often does. Most people give either more or less attention to things than they deserve, simply because they don’t operate with a 'mind like water.'"

Ok. Things were in perspective. I was overreacting as usual. I knew I needed to stop wallowing in self pity and stop sulking and being so incredibly unhappy. But I felt unsatisfied. I wanted to know why. I'd deal with all the crap, but why. Maybe if I just slept on it...

Instead I decide to call another good friend. My first explosion about all the crap I was dealing with was apparently not enough. I had to verbally explode as well. So after about 10 minutes of my blubbering, my friend asked why I was so upset by all of it.

I don't understand why. I don't understand the purpose of me going through all this. The purpose of feeling a call to do something and after I do it there is a negative pointless outcome. I just don't see why!

So what does my friend tell me. Exactly what I needed to hear.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." [James 1:2-3]

I read this verse for the first time this past summer and it didn't really mean much. I've gone through so many trials this year that this verse has become a favorite of mine. It gives me hope, strength and the will to keep persevering.

My friend proceeded to tell me that if I really wanted to know why things were happening I needed to go to the One who took my burdens and ask Him.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." [James 1:5]

Ok. So God was slowly pulling me back into His arms. I really needed to just go to Him. But my friend was not finished. He decided to remind me of something very wise he had once shared with me before.

Things that happen in our life are similar to stars. When a star is born out in space, it is a long time before we see the light that star gives off. God does things in our life to set us up for His glory to be brought about later. We don't always, actually hardly ever, know exactly what God is doing things or for what purpose he does them. But God does not do things without purpose. And at some point or another the light from the stars that he forms in your life will shine, and you will be overjoyed when they do.

God is defintely forming some hardcore stars in my life this year, and even though I can't see the light yet, I am ok with that. Because I know at some point or another my life is gonna be full of bright light, God's glory. And that. That is what I long for-- my life to be full of God's glory.

Ok so lesson learned story over right? Wrong. God was not done yet. I wake up at an ungodly hour of 7:00 this morning to go write an article. I'm sitting there with yet another good friend and out of no where she whips out "My Utmost for His Highest" and reads todays devotional.

"'The cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches and the lust for other things will choke out the life of God in us. We are never free from the recurring waves of this invasion. If the frontline of attack is not about clothes and food, it may be about money or the lack of money; or friends or lack of friends; or the line may be drawn over difficult circumstances. It is one steady invasion, and these things will come in like a flood, unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the banner against it. 'I say to you, do not worry about your life . . .' Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, 'That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.' Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.'Sufficient for the day is its own trouble' (Matthew 6:34). How much trouble has begun to threaten you today? What kind of mean little demons have been looking into your life and saying, 'What are your plans for next month— or next summer?' Jesus tells us not to worry about any of these things. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the "much more" of your heavenly Father (Matthew 6:30)."

I hear you God. "Don't worry. Be Happy, in Me."

Through Hurt

"She's either really naive or she's just good at playing everyone." You know, it hurts a lot to know that one of my close friends said that about me. And as hurt as I am, I don't know if I can completely deny the statement. I am naive -- naive enough to believe that my closest friends would never turn behind my back and judge me. "Good at playing everyone" no. "Good at playing myself," is perhaps a better way to put it. I've been so concerned about what everyone else has wanted over the past couple months that I have completely lied to myself. I've given up what I want for what others want. I've tried to make making others happy my happiness and it's not working. I'm not happy. I'm really ashamed that I've been letting the desires and wants of others shape my feelings, thoughts, and actions. And in playing myself...in lying to myself, I've lied to others. I didn't lie intentionally, but now that I've come to the realization that I've been lying to myself, the truth that I have told those around me has become a lie. It took the questioning of a single friend who was the only one friend enough to trust what I had to say and believe me with everything he had to make me realize that perhaps the only person I have been dishonest with is myself. Knowing that the people I trust discuss me and my issues behind my back hurts. And I feel betrayed. Everything has spiraled to a head and I sit here utterly broken and humiliated. I'm crying out for answers. What have I done wrong to cause all of this? Why has it come to this? How do I solve this? Am I wrong? And as I sit here absolutely broken, there is one clear voice. You haven't done a thing my baby girl. The weight of this world is crashing down on you, but it is not your weight to carry. I will take care of it. Do not worry, do not cry for I am pleased with you. Lean on me for you have done nothing wrong. Find Me in all of this because I am here. I love you and we're going to make it through this. And for the first time in a while, I've found my Daddy's embrace and am able to rest there.

It takes brokenness to be healed. I was reading God as He Longs for you to See Him by Chip Ingram today. And the words he spoke hit home:

"It all came to a head. I sat alone...with an overwhelming sense that everything was depending on me. I was exhausted and discouraged, and I honestly wondered if I could continue...Through tears I read the words and felt the voice of God speaking directly to me

'The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.' Zephaniah 3:17

It suddenly seemed as though God were right there in the room with me. I sensed his power, and it convinced me that he could bring complete resolution to the things that were pressing down on me -- regardless of how I performed in that situation. He reached right past my inadequate offering and my insecure efforts and embraced me. I could picture him rejoicing and singing over me like a mother who can't believe she gets to be the mother. Somehow, as that awareness of God's delight filled me, the work I was doing or the obstacles I was facing didn't seem all that important after all. As God lifted the weight off my shoulders, I shamelessly smiled as I realized I wasn't supposed to try to carry it in the first place."

I'm done lying to me. I will always put the wellbeing of others before myself, but I need to start doing what's right for me in the process. What's right for me comes from Him and the emotions and feelings that He gives me, not from my friends, not from my parents, not from this world or the jaded ideas of today's culture. I'm done ignoring those feelings and pushing them away. I'm going to follow my heart's every instinct. Because as long as I am in tune with my Father, I cannot go astray. If I'm walking with Him, nothing else matters. And it doesn't matter who walks with me, against me or just doesn't walk at all. I'm going to keep walking. That is the path I am choosing for myself, the path that will make me happy. An intimate relationship with the Lord of lords and King of kings, my Abba Daddy. And as long as I'm making him rejoice over me with singing and He delights in me, I could care less about what everyone else thinks.

Ingram continues, "Rooted deeply in any driven achiever is the sense that who you are is determined by what you do. As these verses washed over my heart and soul, God's spirit used the words to recalibrate my view of him -- to separate my performance from my identity... In that instant I realized in a fresh way that God is on my side...that he really delights in me. For the first time in along time I was able to separate my performance from what God thought of me. I was free to do what I could and to simply trust him for the rest."

I've done what I can... I can't fix this problem and it's not mine to fix. The lies I've told to those around me as a result of lying to myself are not going unspoken for. I apologize. And you can think what you want of me. But understand something first. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. And if everyone was given an identity based on their performance, we'd all have bad names. So before labeling me as a liar and untrustworthy, think about the person I really am. Think about the person you really are. Maybe you'll find we're not so different after all. Maybe you're crying out for answers too.

The Stars are so Clear Tonight

It is so easy to let things become clouded over in life. It is so easy for things to become blurry and mixed together. It is so easy to let the small things become big and to let the big things become small. Why can't we just keep things straight?

Sometimes it's as though things just disappear out of our life: friendships, reasons, purpose. Sometimes things happen out of no where: drama, issues, crisis, death. (deep breath)

On Thursday, July 20 a friend of mine from church committed suicide. This particular friend is not someone whom I paid much attention to, nor was he someone whom I loved as much as I should have. Upon hearing that he hung himself all I could think was "Why didn't I show him more love?" I know the answer and it pains more than anything to admit this, but the reason is because he wasn't easy to love. He wasn't the most normal of people. He was very shy and quiet and I guess the vibe I usually got from him was shady. Granted he did some really strange things, I have come to realize how much I truly appreciated his unique self. He wore a black T-shirt and jeans with black tennis shoes all the time. Sometimes he wore this crazy top hat so that you couldn't really see his eyes. He flipped off the walls a lot and was always trying to rewire something. The tone in his voice was very nonchalant, a "Why do you care?" type tone. But no matter how strange, he always smiled at me when I saw him. At youth group, he always sat in the back. It was comforting having him there considering now I look back expecting to see him there, and he's not. He never will be. Never again will I look back and smile to see him smiling back. You don't ever realize how much you appreciate something until you lose it. In this case, I didn't know I had appreciation for him until he was gone. And now, I have appreciation beyond my wildest dreams for this friend.

Koty has changed my life. My life was clouded and I had everything mixed together. My purpose as a Christian was clouded over. My priorities were all in a jumble. Koty's death was a huge wake-up call for me. On Sunday, I was crushed at seeing his mom, older brother (one of my really close friends), and his younger sister cry out their pain. I sat as part of a group of 50 students and mourned. It made me realize that there are so many more important things in life than my stupid everyday ordeals and petty drama that seem so big to me. It reminded that there is a huge scene going on around me and I am not the center. Koty's death not only woke me up, but reminded me of why I am a Christian -- because of God's unconditional, love, grace, and forgiveness. God's gift to us was his one and only son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for you, me, your aunt and the homeless guy in Kentucky. His blood covers all of our sins and all we have to do is accept his grace. Koty accepted that grace and proclaimed his heart was with Jesus on multiple occasions. Koty accepted his free ticket and the only ticket and is now resting in his Abba Daddy's big, strong arms. And because of the question that pierced my heart so fiercely and convicted my soul to the point of tears, "Why didn't I show him more love?", I remember my purpose -- To love the unloved as Jesus did, To reach out to those who need it most, not to those it is easiest and most pleasant for us to deal with. We were created in God's likeness and are to follow Christ's example. I choose to love unconditionally, forgive unconditionally, and extend grace to all for that is what Christ did for me.

Tonight I went outside and it was beautiful. I looked up into the sky to find the clearest array of stars I have ever seen in my life. An overwhelming peace came over me and I was at last comforted. I know that Koty is up in heaven. His heart was with Jesus when he was here and now it is with Jesus up there. And tonight, as I gazed up at the stars I smiled one last time at Koty, and he smiled back. Thank you...

So for the past couple weeks, I have just been really struggling in my faith. My relationship with God is there, but I just feel frustrated because I don't feel like it's going anywhere. I just feel...stuck. I feel like I have been hiking up this mountain with God, and all the sudden my boot gets caught and I can't free myself. And God's standing there right beside me calling out what I should do in order to free myself and continue further in my walk with him, but I just can't make out what He's saying. And it's killing me that I can't figure out what he wants! And I mean, it's not all of me that's stuck! It's just my boot! To come out of my little analogy, I was walking strong with God, and then all the sudden, I stopped growing. I can still hear his voice calling me to him, but I can't feel his hand leading me where to go. The reason I think I am so frustrated is because I do believe and I do love God with all my heart. All I want to do in life is his will and please him! I've given so much of myself to God, yet I don't feel like He's using me! And that is why I'm frustrated. I know the reason I feel like I do is because one part of me is stuck. I just really couldn't figure out what it was.

God really spoke to me tonight at youth group. "Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." [James 2:17 NIV]

My faith is dead! That is why I am stuck! I have all this faith, a whole heart given to God and an ever pressing desire to please him and do his will, but I am not acting! I need to go where God wants me to go. Do what he wants me to do! Stop what he wants me to stop! Etc.! "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without action is dead." [James 2:26 NIV] Most people know me as this bubbly girl who's always laughing and having a good time. If you took my spirit away, I would just be this lifeless lump. That's what happened to my faith. It grew a lot and then action ceased. My faith became a lifeless lump! It's still there, just lifeless, no longer growing and radiant.

So now I've got my faith problem figured out, but I have another problem. I know what part of me is stuck-my boot. I know that I need to get my boot free in order to continue my hike up that mountain with God. The only problem is, I don't know how to get it free. I mean I know I need to pull it out, but I don't know how and I can't hear what God is telling me to do! Out of the analogy : I know that I need to start acting in my faith, but I can't feel God's hand leading me in how to do so. I don't know what He's calling me to do! I'm just really frustrated with this silence. I talked to my youth pastor tonight about this and he said look in the midst of your frustration and you'll find that is where you will find God. So my frustration is this silence. Maybe if I just listen...completely silence myself, just listen, God will speak to me. Because God speaks in the silence. He usually doesn't speak through big neon signs or earthquakes, but rather through silence. I've been looking for a big waving hand gesture, a motion, an earthquake...

All is quiet, I'm listening....

"Catch a glimpse of my incredible love for you! I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is my completely unconditional love for you- a love that surpasses all human knowledge." [Ephesians 3:17-19]

God's love is so incredibly amazing. As humans we will never be able to grasp how great his love for us really is. I mean, He sent his one and only son to this earth to suffer and to die for all the crap that we do. He wanted to be close to us and to show his love to us so bad that he sent his son to come and die because we screw up. That is love, a love far greater than any love that a human could possibly comprehend or show. Yes, humans can love. I know this because I love. There are people in my life that I love with all of my being, people that I know I cannot live without. It is a kind of love that overwhelms me to the point of tears when I think about it. But God's love completely blows my love out of the water. That completely blows me away. It just blows my mind that God could love that much, especially after all the things that we as humans do. We can be so screwed up sometimes. But God's love is unconditional! Wow...what more can I say?