It was never all about me, but it was always all for me.

Over the past couple months I've been struggling with my dead spirit. I've been stuck in sin, stuck in a lie, stuck in a pit, stuck in the world. No matter my burning desires, no matter how badly I longed for Jesus, I have been transfixed in the midst of my sins. I didn't feel like I was ready to run at Jesus the way I desired. I didn't feel worthy.

I tried to talk to PM about it... I tried to think about... Nothing gave me the answer I needed. And I sure as heck thought I couldn't go to Jesus about it.

And then yesterday God threw the answer into action out of nowhere and I am utterly overwhelmed!

Amber came to visit yesterday before the ASP meeting (which I am totally stoked about ASP WOOT WOOT!) and after talking to her for an hour, I was totally convicted! I went nuts! I couldn't stop thinking about Jesus. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I just wanted Jesus. I was so frustrated that Amber is not inhibited by anything in her crazy thirst for Jesus -- she just keeps running as fast as she can toward Him. Her thirsty faith challenges and inspires me and so today after a good night sleep I decided that I was going to wake my spirit from the dead and bring it back to life. I'm done sitting around and watching those around me fall head over heels while I fantacize about running. Well I started by reading When God Whispers Your Name by Max Lucado. Let me just say I have never read anything by him before, but I love him. I love his style. He devoted an entire chapter to brevity and in that chapter included a list of some short sayings of his own...

"Pursue forgiveness, not innocence."

I have always been caught up in being perfect. And believe me, lately I've been a lot more laid back and accepting of the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be. In fact, I don't really want to be. But the one thing I haven't been able to let go of is that sin is an imperfection that separates me from Jesus. I hate myself for living in sin. And that sin, that imperfection has held me back from running full-force to the cross (even though that's the one place I should be running with such a heavy load.) Lucado's quote threw me for a loop. What if I pursued the forgiveness that Jesus offers me rather than try to pursue utter innocence -- perfection? Wouldn't that free me from the hole that I am stuck in? Pursuing forgiveness is pursuing Jesus. That quote was the answer to all my problems, but I wasn't satisfied yet. So I went to the Bible next. Yesterday I started Solo, a daily devotional by Eugene Peterson. And yesterday's passage was focused on Genesis 3: 1-10. Aka. the fall of man. The story of the serpent and eve and the apple. I decided to revisit the passage and it totally opened up in front of my face. It was like God was drawing it all out for me! Who would think that my faith could be revolutionized by the story that I learned in 1st grade. I would like to share what I learned. Please read the passage carefully:

Genesis 3
1 The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"
2-3 The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"
4-5 The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."
6 When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.
7 Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
8 When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
9 God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
10 He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."

Ok and now for the verse by verse breakdown.

In verses 2-3 we see Eve tell the snake exactly what God has said. "We can eat from the trees in the garden." Ok so God places Adam and Eve in this beautiful huge garden and offers them all that is there. He even has them name the animals! The only thing God asks of them is that they don't eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. That sounds pretty stinkin delicious to me. An all you can eat buffet in the garden of eden (literally translated, the heart of God) you would think would be more than enough. But no, Satan tricks Eve into thinkin that she's missing out on something wonderful by not eating from the tree in the middle of the garden.

So then in verses 4-5 the snake basically tells Eve that if she ate from the tree she would know everything, even Evil. Its like "Yeah man, if you smoked the stuff on this tree your eyes would totally be opened to all the crap around you! You could totally stop living in this wonderful garden and be overhwelmed by the shit that happens in the world! You should totally try it!" sounds appealing right? appealing enough that eve gives in.

You want to say "what an idiot!" right? And then you realize... oh. That's me. God has already given us more than we deserve. And he knew what was best for Eve when he told her not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. He knows what is best for us to when he set commandments for us to live by. And yet, we get so caught up in what the world (the snake) has to say about the things we should stay out of. God tells us sex is for marraige because he knows that is what is best for us, and yet we get caught up in what the world says -- "You don't need to wait till you're married. Sex is fun. If you're protected and you don't get pregnant where's the harm? Don't you want to be intimate? Don't you love me enough?" So we have sex and we find ourselves in emotional turmoil. We find ourselves broken-hearted. God tells us we shouldn't lie because he knows that is best for us, and yet we get caught up in what the world says -- "A little lie can never hurt." And so we lie and that lie leads to another and a week later we find ourselves stuck in lies that we can't even remember. God tells Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit because he knows that living in bliss is better than living with the awareness of evil, and yet they listened to what the snake had to say-- "You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil." They turned down God's protection for a little taste bud high.

Later in verse 7, after they've eaten the fruit, they realize that they are naked. I'm not satisfied with leaving that at physical nudity. I have to believe that being ashamed of being naked is in some way shape or form being ashamed of who they are in their most vulnerable state. They immediately cover themselves. I totally see myself here. When I get down to who I am at my core... who I am without false masks covering my true heart, I see someone that I am not necessarily proud of. I see someone full of imperfections and sin. I see someone broken and desperate. I don't like to see that.. I cover that with layers just like Eve covers herself with fig leaves.

(we're getting there I promise)

In verse 8 Adam and Eve hear God pleasantly strolling through the garden and afraid, they hide from God. Instead of running to stroll alongside God, they are caught up in their own grossness and hide. THIS IS ME! I am so caught up in my own gross layers that I can't even walk alongside God anymore. Why can't I just let myself be naked? Why can't I allow Christ to heal the broken and imperfect heart that is my core?

This is where the epiphany happens. In the devotional portion of Solo, Peterson poses the idea that "Genesis 3 speaks of the rebellion of humankind. And the remainder of the Message details God's intricate and loving plan to redeem, restore, and reconcile creation back to himself after what happens in Genesis 3." HOLY CRAP! THE ENTIRE FREAKIN BIBLE IS ABOUT GOD'S PLAN TO REUNITE HIMSELF WITH ME! There is one measly chapter that focuses on my sin. THAT'S IT!

In the eternal now, I am Eve eating the fruit. And at the same time Jesus is dying on the cross, and singing my name on the Throne. and I am eternally praising Him. I am wondering in the desert and standing at the foot of the cross.

Pursue forgiveness, not innocence. My life is not about the sin I am "stuck" in, but about the amazing grace that Christ has given. The story is not about innocence, but redemtion. It is not about perfection, but brokenness. I'm forgiven. IT IS FINISHED.

I don't know why it took me till now to understand that God's grace is sufficient. I don't know why it took me till now to understand that in Christ I am made new again and that all I need to do is pursue Christ. I don't mean to over simplify the concept but... You sin. So what. Forgive yourself and move on. Christ already has. I am not stuck anymore.

My chains are gone.
Look out. I running and I'm not letting anything get in my way.